I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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