I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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