Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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