It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
