i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
