I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
