I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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