Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Houston, we have a squirter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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