A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
