We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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