Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
