I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
