I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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