It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
