once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
