i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
