we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
