My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
