How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
