My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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