So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
