I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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