Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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