captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
