im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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