he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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