I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
