Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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