he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize