i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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