I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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