I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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