Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
