You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
