My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
