I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
