Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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