I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
