Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
ok first of all what the fuck
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