I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize