Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
