This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Vodka?
Forever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
