Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
