no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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