no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
