yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize