I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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