Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize