My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
