I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
