9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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