And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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