i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
