There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
