Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize