I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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