Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
