1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
