Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize