I'm jealous of your bromance
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
