no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
