She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
