Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
